Breaking out of the Matrix

In Jamaica, they said when it rains it pours and it certainly stormed when I returned from Jamaica in June 2018 after my sister’s burial. I’d hoped to be feeling better soon but during my grief, I was also faced with overwhelming issues concerning my marriage, employment, finance, housing and my health. Writing this blog now makes me even wonder how I got through all those challenges to even feeling like myself again.

Coming back from Jamaica, I knew I still had to deal with marital issues with my husband. Things had been a tricky for a while and it got worse after the news of my sister’s passing. Things were said that hurt me to my core at a time when I was already so vulnerable. I didn’t felt supported in my marriage Instead I felt disbelieve, rejected and angry. It got so bad it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I made a choice to put the wellbeing of myself and my son first and so since then it’s been just the two of us – more happier than before!

Soon after my separation, I was contacted by my housing agency to advise that my contract was due for early renewal. I thought “just great! What I’m I gonna do now?!” I’d thought I’d have more time to figure things out but it was right there in my face to deal with. I was worried that if I told the agency about the recent changes in my personal circumstances, they wouldn’t agree to renew the contract with just me alone. But if they found out without me telling them, then they’d withdraw the contract from me.
Not only was I worried about the stress of moving, I was also having extreme anxiety over my finances. I wasn’t receiving any income from my employment or business and having spent a lot of money as a result of my sister’s passing, I knew I wasn’t in the best financial situation to afford moving to a new privately rented two-bedroom accommodation in London. The thought of having to deal with homelessness and potential temporary accommodation with my son sent my nerves through the roof. I felt helpless against my greatest fear – which was getting evicted with my son. And it seemed like anything I did would’ve resulted in the same ending.
At first I buried my head in the sand. But after speaking to my counsellor, I decided to seek help. I spoke to a couple of organisations and got some really good advice. I plucked up the courage to have the conversation with the agency. In a matter of minutes, I got them to agree to renew the contract with just me alone. The feeling of relief, joy and excitement that filled my soul is indescribable. As soon as they sent the amended contact I signed it without wasting no time #Phew one battle down – however many more to go…

By July 2018, the onoing situation at my workplace took a turn for the worse and I was under investigation with potential severe consequences. If it wasn’t for the help of my counsellor and my self-help strategies, I don’t know how I would’ve pulled through.

My first reaction was to quit and run fast as possible! This added burden was just too unfair and unnecessary. I didn’t think I had anything left in me to fight. But at the same time, I didn’t want to quit and have certain situation hanging over me. My back was against the wall as my reality was steering me in the face and it looked as scary as looking at my perpetrators through my childself eyes. I recognised this situation was definitely triggering overwhelmingly negative emotions in me that I thought I’d bury long time ago. Yet still, I had no other choice but to stand up for myself because if I didn’t, then no one else would.

After discussing the case with my Union representation, I felt more hopeful and clearer about my response. I realised a lot of my anxiety was in my mind. I had to do a lot of admin work in preparing my case which includes attending meetings, many phone calls and emails as well as compiling witness statements and obtaining medical proof from my doctor. Through this process, I became aware that my doctor couldn’t find some of my health records which made it difficult for them to provide sufficient evidence to support my case. Although this really shocked and distressed me further, I had to get on the phone to previous medical centres I’d been to over the past 10 years to see if they still had any medical evidence to support my case.

Two days before the meeting at my workplace, my doctor’s surgery contacted me to inform me they’d found my missing paper file. They explained that my file had been mis-placed in another room due to changes at the surgery. I agreed to go into the surgery to look through my file for any relevant documents that could support my case. I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for, in fact, this made me have more questions as to why I couldn’t find the specific evidence of my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) diagnosis. However I did find a few letters I could use as supporting evidence which combined with all the other evidence I’d gathered were enough to stop my workplace from taking the matter any further.

I was very relieved to have cleared my name and I am so proud of myself for pushing forward at times when I didn’t think I had anything left.

There’s so much about this situation that I can’t say but under the circumstances, I’m pleased to have mutually agree to end my contract of employment without anything hanging over me. Since then, I’m now officially full time self-employed! Whoop whoop!!

I believe the time for my transition into self-employment had come a while ago but because I wasn’t ready to let go/ break out of the matrix, I held on to an environment that was having an ongoing negative impact on my health and wellbeing.

The fear and pressure from the Investigation was so consuming, it could’ve sent me right back into the deep dark hole I’ve been to in years ago. It felt like I took on a huge battle and won #Success! Now that I’m out, I feel so empowered – like it’s like the best decision I’ve ever make. I’m eternally grateful to everyone who took the time to provide me their witness statements especially those that were asked at the last minute.

Regarding information about my PTSD, I’d continue my search from 10 years ago and was able to trace back my file containing my diagnosis from Brighton and Sussex University Hospital Health’s Records. I’ve now updated my record at my doctors surgery. Although this was too late for the Investigation at my workplace, I find some positivity in knowing that at least I know my medical records is fully updated.

In September 2018, I had to go to the hospital for an operation. Three years ago, the doctor had found a lipoma (non-cancerous innocent lump) in my upper back on the left side – right next to my shoulder blade. Although it wasn’t worrying at the time, it grew over the last three years and became attached to my shoulder blade causing me much pain and discomfort in my day to day dealings.

After recent Ultra sound and MRI scans, I was advised an operation to remove the lump would be required before it got any worse. As the operation took place just before my employment ended, I was able to use my Bupa insurance work benefits in order to be treated at the BMI private hospital in Shirley Oaks. On the day of the operation, I was accompanied by one of my cousin Denero.  She kept me in good spirit and the hospital staff were friendly and informative. The operation was successful and I stuffed my face in hospital food. I wondered if it’s because it’s private hospital why the food tasted so good; maybe it was just me lol.

It took me at least two weeks at home before I could really do much for myself. During this time, I’m thankful for my friends and family that supported me, such as my mother Donna and sisters Kadeen and Sherida who did most of the school drop off for me; my sister Jodi who helped to look after my son as well as my brother Jamar and my neighbour Jackie who ensure I always had something to eat. My friend Abi and cousin Denero was amazing in keeping me in good spirit.

I am pleased that my wound has been healing well. Oh I almost forgot about the car accident I had this past weekend (on may way to receiving an achievement award) which has disrupted my healing, amongst other things. But it could’ve been much worse so I’m grateful that it wasn’t and I’m sure, further opportunities will come from this too😀.

From grieving to housing, employment, financial and medical problems – all in a very short space of time, I don’t think I could’ve survived and in  such strong mindset had it not been for the support I received from my counsellor, friends and family. Of course my own strength, tenacity, determination and self-healing strategies (such as meditation, mindfulness, positive thinking, Law of Attraction, etc) played a massive part but still, there were days when I didn’t know if I’d make it out or when that would be. However the big and small wins along the way gave me the inspiration I needed to keep fighting and now all I can do is look back and see all the positives that were happening alongside the negatives.

I broke out the Matrix, shredded much of my baggage that was holding me back and now I feel so much stronger and wiser now plus my connection to my source is even stronger than ever before. I can now see that all of my challenges have either free the path for new opportunities or created new opportunities themselves. I am so grateful for where I am now and where my future lies.

Reading my blogs (including last week’s one) may seem so challenging because of all the difficulties I’ve shared. However the way I see it, is that the last few months have been an intense period of growth, both internally and within my business.

I’ve recently found out that I’ll be receiving a financial support to continue my support circle for BAME women and girls who are survivors of sexual abuse. I’ve appointed a board of director to help me take my business to the next level and ensure it meets it’s set objectives. I have also created collaboration links with key established organisations and by doing so will ensure better access to my services to those that need it. Writing my own book at this current moment has been one of the most priceless and positive thing to be happening to me write now because of the therapy and self-empowerment it provides.

• Internal growth requires shredding old baggage which can be a very painful experience
• Seek help when required, the right support can be the determine factor of how well we cope through challenges.
• Keep pushing forward no matter what
• There’s always light at the end of the tunnel
• I didn’t know my own strength
• I have unlimited potential
• With every negative, there’s a positive
• Every challenge come with opportunities (whether we can see them or not)
• Recommitted is to existing commitments can be very powerful and helps with one’s focus.
• People are still more comfortable helping with physical illness, than mental illness.

Overall I’m in a great place. Being able to fit my self-employment around family time with my son fills me with so much joy. I’m able to go on training courses to upskill myself and I’ll be volunteering at a key organisation that I know will create new opportunities. I am looking positively towards my future and no matter what may come my way, I know I WILL SURVIVE!

To all my queens out there going through a tough time, if you’re reading this right now, I trust you may find comfort in my story and be reminded that we have unlimited power. All we may need is some support to enable us to tap into our power. If there’s anyway you think I can help, please send me a private message by clicking here.

PS – I’ll now be writing my blogs monthly to allow for time to take on other opportunities to support and empower BAME women and girls. If you don’t want to miss my next blog, please follow me below in the top right hand section of your screen. And if you ever need me, I’m only an email away. Until next time, I’ll leave you with this song: Something Inside So Strong.